They Shoot Vampires, Don't They?
by VladimirsAngel
Summary: I think this is finally finished...or put on hold...you decide!!! *CHAPTER 13 UP* Please R & R. ^_^
1. Chapter 1

****

THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?

__

Okay, I admit it…this is just a piece of random silliness that I did when way too tired and strung out on caffeine. It's the start of something…possibly…but mostly it's just daft fanfic fun. As always. ***takes a bow and ducks the expected barrage of rotten tomatoes***

Disclaimer: Raziel, Nosgoth & Kain belong to Eidos, Crystal Dynamics and Silicon Knights. Kurt Wagner belongs to Marvel Comics. Legolas the Elf is the creation of JRR Tolkein. Lupa and Vladimir seem to have taken on lives of their own, but mostly they belong to me. Donovan belongs to his daddy and the Guardian-of-Tears. And Rat…you know who you are…*g*

Lupa and Raziel are walking along the main street in the Nexus, on their way to Vladimir's house.

Lupa:So what are we gonna do today, Raz?

Raziel:*longsuffering* Whatever you want. It's simpler.

Lupa:*pokes him in the arm*

Lupa:I wanna go have fun. Let's have fun.

Raziel:This isn't going to involve roller-coasters, is it? *darkly* Last time there were rollercoasters…

Lupa:*taking his hand* Besides, we managed to offload that evil child of yours onto Kurt. We deserve some fun. 

Raziel:*being supportive of his son* He is _not_ evil. He's just young. 

Lupa:He's young _you_. That's evil in the first degree. That's Evil Medical School quality, that is.

Scene cuts to Kurt's house in the Nexus. Sounds of clattering from the kitchen.

Kurt: *unseen, from behind the closed kitchen door* _Nein_! Stop that! Put it _down_!

Donovan: *from within* Wahoo! You've got real Belgian chocolate in here!

Kurt: Bavarian. It's Bavarian chocolate. And it's mine. 

Sounds of ripping tinfoil and more banging around. Kurt swears vehemently in his own language. (not to be repeated here as we are all sweet and innocent, right? *grins*)

Donovan: *subdued* I don't feel good….

Kurt:Please, God, don't let him throw up on me.

Cut back to Lupa and Raziel, walking down the lane that adjoins Vladimir's driveway.

Raziel: I hope Kurt's all right with babysitting.

Lupa:*confidently* Kurt's a lovely boy. Very nice-tempered. He'll be fine. 

Raziel: *cocks his head to one side* Did you just hear someone screaming?

Lupa:Not at all. Come on. Those nice reviewing people want to see what we're going to do next.

Raziel:*stares out at reviewers in alarm* There are people watching this? 

Lupa:*shrugs* Sure.

Raziel:And you let me wear _this_ scarf? The _old_ one with the coffee-stain on it? I have a new one at home, you know…

Lupa: *sighs* Come along, Yves-Saint-Laurent. You're boring your public. 

Raziel allows himself to be dragged along under protest. They are just turning the corner to Vladimir's house when the man himself comes haring round the corner with another wolf-girl in tow.

Vladimir: *somewhat hysterically* The house is on fire! The house is on _fire_!

He runs off and hides in the hedge. Lupa rolls her eyes and grabs the other wolf-girl, who is shorter, stockier, and mostly subsumed by a mop of reddish curls. 

Lupa:Rat, what did you do?

Rat: *points towards the hedge where Vladimir has disappeared* He was making me tea…

Lupa:Vladimir's tea? I'm surprised there's anything _left_ of the house…

She taps Raziel on the arm.

Lupa: Raz? This is Rat. Now get your water-glyph mojo on. We have a fire to put out. 

Rat: *pokepokes Raziel in the chest to see if he's real*

Raziel:*waves at the new wolf-girl in confusion* Hi.

He is dragged off towards the house.

Rat:*waving after him* You're blue. That must be nice for you.

Guardian-Of-Tears: *wandering in from Reviewland, pulls Vladimir's tail*

Vladimir: Ouch!

Guardian-of-Tears: Hurry up and make the plot go faster. *strolls back through the Reviewer's Gate*

Vladimir stands up and hollers towards the burning house.

Vladimir:Raziel! Make sure you put out the bit by the cupboard under the stairs first…

Sound of gunfire.

Vladimir:…too late.

Lupa dives to the ground at his feet.

Lupa: *dazedly* They shoot vampires, don't they, Momma?

Vladimir: What?

Lupa shakes off her confusion. 

Lupa:I think the weapons box under the stairs just went up.

Vladimir: No! Not the Gatling gun!

Rapid-fire from within the house. Reviewers all duck back behind their gate.

Vladimir: Surely he can save the grenade-launcher? It's so good for fending off zombies…

Several grenades go "boom" in quick succession. Vladimir sinks to his knees in despair. Lupa looks horrified.

Lupa:You had grenades in there? 

Vladimir: Right next to the cherry-bombs and that packet of black powder that fizzes when exposed to air.

Lupa: Oh my God, I killed him. I killed Raziel. 

The distinctive _kschinnnkg-schrinnkg_ sound of Raziel's claws digging into something rings out. There is a brief, mercifully quiet pause, then Raziel sprints past with a crate in his hands that is smoking gently.

Raziel: Out the way, out the way, out the way…

He shoulders past everyone and flings the box through the warp-gate at the bottom of Vladimir's garden. A pause, then there is a muffled "foooooom" noise, and the gate's warp-bubble bends wildly.

Cut to Kain, sitting on his throne in Nosgoth. The throne room doors open wide and a Dumahim walks in with the crate in his claws.

Unlucky Dumahim: Master, I found this gift by the gate…

Kain: *notices the box is glowing and pulsing slightly* Oh, sh-

~*FOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMM*~

Vladimir's house has actually suffered surprisingly little from the fire: the kitchen is a little singed, but all walls are intact. The old draylon sofa in the lounge is burning merrily and a red dragon has curled up to sleep amongst the burning scatter cushions.

Vladimir: *flailing at the dragon with a rolled-up newspaper* Out! Out! Pesky things! Any excuse…

The dragon sulkily allows itself to be ushered out through the back door.

Rat: *running towards the pantry* The biscuits! Where are the biscuits? Have the biscuits been saved?

Lupa: *walking in from the hall* Come on, it only blew up slightly.

Vladimir: How can anything only blow up _slightly_?!

Lupa: It's like having a bit of a hole in something. Oxymoronic, but interesting. 

Raziel returns, brushing ash from his cowl, and carrying a biscuit tin under one arm. 

Rat: Biscuits!

She stares up at him wordlessly until he hands her the tin.

Raziel: I only picked it up because it's labelled "Live Ammo"…you mean there's really only biscuits in there?

Vladimir: *watching Rat sort through shotgun shells to find the chocolate biscuits buried under them* Well…kind of only biscuits.

Raziel aims a water glyph at the burning sofa, which extinguishes. 

Donovan: *from outside* Dad!

He runs in and clings to Raziel's leg. He is covered in chocolate.

Lupa: *menacingly* Where's Kurt? What did you do to Kurt, demon-child?

Kurt: *teleporting in from outside* Never mind about me, worry about the large angry vampire covered in soot who's just come through the gate out back. 

Kain: *from outside* RAZIEL!!

Raziel: *innocently, to the others* Oh, you think I managed to throw that box into Nosgoth? Whatever gives you that idea?

Kain stamps through the doorway, seething.

Kain: *glowering at Raziel* You're not too old to be disciplined, young man. 

Raziel: *trying to be reasonable* Happy Valentine's Day, Father. 

Kain: What?

Raziel: Valentine's Day. It's that thing where people tell other people how much they love them. 

He takes a step forward, and makes an effort.

Raziel: I –

Lupa jabs him hard in the back.

Raziel: I love you, Father.

Vladimir and Kurt mime throwing-up behind him. Kain just stares at him in disbelief.

Kain:*almost kindly* Did you hurt yourself in the blast, son? *glances about* Turel? Did you put him up to this? Because it's not funny…

Lupa: *hisses at Raziel* It's not Valentine's Day! What are you on about?

Raziel: *under his breath* I'm trying to distract him. Is that okay with you?

Lupa: Fair enough, fair enough. It's just rather surreal.

Kain: *glaring* I don't know what you're gibbering about, Raziel, but I'm not falling for it.

He catches sight of Lupa waving cheerfully at him from behind Raziel's shoulder, and recoils.

Kain: Oh no, not you again!

Lupa: *shuffles in embarrassment* Me again. Sorry. 

Kain: *turning on Raziel* I know I said I wouldn't get involved when you boys brought women home – as long as you got rid of the bodies afterwards, mind – but this one? *he shudders* 

Lupa: *offended* I'm quite nice when you get to know me. 

Kain: I don't think I'll make the effort, thank-you all the same.

He takes a step forward and makes to grab Lupa by the throat.

Vladimir and Raziel: *practically in stereo* Take your hands off her!

They rush Kain and manage to knock him over. Lupa's hand whips out, snatches the image inducer out of the air as Kurt throws it to her: and straps it around Kain's wrist.

Lupa: Let him go, boys. 

Vladimir and Raziel back off, smirking. Kain sits up. 

Kain: I'm going to rip both your heads off and spit down your necks – *notices everyone is staring at him and giggling* - What are you all looking at?

Vladimir: *grinning* A big girls' blouse, that's what. 

Raziel: Don't get him wrong. It looks lovely on you.

Lupa: Hey! It's not a big girls' blouse. It's a very good halter from H & M.

Kain looks down and realises that he now appears as a perfectly-formed copy of Lupa, right down to the silvery fur and red halter-top. 

Lupa: *to Donovan, smirking* Wait for it…wait for it….!

Kain roars. Birds flee the trees in Vladimir's garden in horror: the hills echo: mobile phone signals are disrupted all over the Nexus…and in a forest in far-away Middle-Earth, Legolas the Elf looks up in slight confusion as the cry comes faintly to his sharp ears.

Legolas: *frowning* What -? 

Back at Vladimir's, the two Lupas are arguing.

Kain/Lupa: I don't care. Make it go away. 

Raziel: Here's the deal. Get back to Nosgoth and I'll make her get rid of it for you.

Both Lupas pout in an identical manner.

Vladimir: Oh, God. I can't cope with two of them. Get him out of here, Raziel.

Rat: *having just noticed the duplicate* Wow. Lupa's sister?

Kain/Lupa glowers at her and she shuts up. Raziel hustles him out of the back door and into the garden. There is the sound of a warp-gate activating: then Raziel comes back indoors, swinging Kurt's image inducer from one hand.

Lupa: *runs to him and hugs him* Happy not-Valentine's Day, Raz.

Vladimir: He's gone, right? Tell me he's gone.

Raziel: *trying hard not to be crushed by Lupa's cuddle* He's gone.

As the rest of the little group disperse to tidy up the fire damage, Raziel looks up at VladimirsAngel. He shakes his head, sadly.

Raziel: *softly* For all our sakes, love…get more sleep. A _lot_ more. And lay off the caffeine, hmm?


	2. Chapter 2

**THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?**

**Chapter 2**

Disclaimer: Raziel, Kain & Nosgoth belong to Eidos Interactive, Crystal Dynamics and Silicon Knights: Kurt Wagner (the fuzzy-elf) belongs to Marvel Comics. Lupa and Vladimir (never to be separated) belong to me. Thankyou for reviewing, everyone! To be honest, I didn't think what I wrote made a lot of sense…but there ya go… ^_^

_VladimirsAngel: *pats Kain on the head patronisingly* There there._

_Kain: *sniffles* Why are you so mean to me?_

_VladimirsAngel: *considers* Because you hate my favourite blue-boy, Raz. _

_Kain: He keeps coming back and hitting me! Last time he shoved a flowery vest top in my mouth! *sobs* Little flowers! In pink and lilac!_

_Raziel: *snidely* Cry-baby. You're lucky it wasn't a gypsy top in real linen. _

_VladimirsAngel: *Sniggers*_

Lupa and Raziel are arguing in the Frost Room, the room in Vladimir's house that Raziel now uses.

Lupa: Nuh-uh. No way. I am _not_ sharing a bed with you.

Raziel: Fine. Sleep on the floor.

Lupa looks at the floor. It's tiled, no rugs or cushions. And it's cold. She pouts.

Lupa: I have an idea. Why don't you sleep on the floor?

Raziel: This is my room! It's not my fault you can't sleep on the sofa because it's still dripping wet and covered in soot.

Something suddenly occurs to him. 

Raziel: Wait a minute! You live here too. Why aren't you sleeping in your own room? 

Lupa shudders. 

Lupa: You've never been in my room, have you.

Raziel: *realising* Now that you mention it, no.

Lupa: There's a really good reason for that…

Vladimir: *walking past up the stairs in his bathrobe* Yeah, the fact that you can't open the door due to the amount of crap she keeps on the floor. 

Lupa throws a hairbrush at him and he flees up the stairs, giggling. 

Raziel: *severely* You are terrible. I know Dumahim who clean up their pits better than you. 

Lupa: So please can I have the bed?

The bed in the Frost Room is a queen-size. Raziel frowns at her.

Raziel: Yes.

Lupa hugs him.

Lupa: You're so great.

Raziel: *hold up one claw* On one condition. You can have the bed, but it comes as a package, with me in it. 

Lupa growls under her breath. 

Lupa: Fine. But if you snore I'm going to go sleep in the bath-tub. 

Raziel: *deadpan* I shall practice snoring immediately. 

Lupa goes down to the green bathroom to brush her teeth like a good little wolf-girl, and finds Kurt already in there combing his fur. 

Kurt: _Wie geht's_?

Lupa: *sulkily* _Schlecht_, and getting worse by the minute. Do you know I have to share a bed with Raziel?

Kurt: *archly* Now you know you wouldn't mind as much if he was still looking his old self…

Lupa: *slaps him lightly on the arm* Bad Kurt. Go to your room. 

Kurt: *grinning* I'd let you share with me, but…oh wait…I don't want you sharing with me. You kick. 

Lupa: *furious* I do not!

Kurt: Yes, you do. We were in a two-man tent, remember? There wasn't anyone else it could have been. _(VladimirsAngel would like to point out that the camping story is an entirely different matter which we won't go into here!)_

Lupa: *pointing imperiously* OUT!

Kurt bounds lightly up the stairs. As he passes the Frost Room, he pokes his head around the door.

Kurt: Good luck, Raziel.

Raziel: *busy fluffing pillows* What?

Kurt: I heard you're sharing with the drop-kick wonder tonight. Ask Vladimir. He used to play cricket. He has shin-pads. 

Raziel: *amused* Good _night_, Kurt. 

Kurt: Suit yourself. 

He heads upstairs to his room, the Devil's Room, in the attic. When Lupa comes back upstairs, Raziel is already in the bed, the corner of the duvet tucked protectively under his shoulder. Lupa gets in as far across the opposite side as she can manage, and tries to pull some duvet over herself. 

Lupa: *grumpily* Kurt's been using my comb again...blue fur everywhere…I hate him sometimes. 

Raziel: *sighs* Do I get to turn the light out now and go to sleep or am I going to have to listen to half an hour of complaints first?

Lupa: *sarcastically* Oh, don't feel obligated. 

Raziel: Good night, then. 

He turns the light off. There is a blessed period of silence lasting approximately thirty seconds, then:

Lupa's voice: Ow! *a pause* Is that your hoof?

Raziel says nothing.

Lupa's voice: You've got really cold feet, do you know that?

Raziel's voice: *sardonic* Really? Perhaps that has something to do with the fact that there's been no duvet covering them since you got in the bed.

Lupa turns on the light and sits up, angrily. 

Lupa: Listen, you…

Raziel takes advantage of his opportunity to try and steal some duvet back. Lupa takes hold of her side and pulls. The duvet makes a strained sound, as if it is about to split.

Raziel: *angrily* You're taking too much.

Lupa: I have bad circulation. I need warmth. 

Raziel: I don't have any circulation at _all_! I get cold very easily!

Lupa rolls herself in as much duvet as she can get and reaches over to turn the light off. 

Lupa: *sternly* Good _night._

Raziel: Good night. 

About a minute passes, then Raziel angrily turns the light on again. Lupa has cocooned herself in the duvet, leaving him with nothing. 

Raziel: Give that back!

Lupa: *somewhat indistinctly* No. Go away.

Raziel: Give it back now!

Cut to upstairs, in Vladimir's bedroom, where Vladimir is happily sprawled on his bed reading _The Nexus Chronicle _and filing his claws: he jumps as Raziel's angry tones filter up through the floorboards, and then a hefty thumping, as of things being thrown around below.

Vladimir groans and picks up a broom-handle.

Vladimir: *rapping on the floor* Keep it down! There's people up here trying to sleep!

Below, Raziel and Lupa are once again making an attempt to share out the duvet.

Lupa: You've got wings. Why don't you sleep under them?

Raziel: *nastily* You've got fur. Why are you bothering with a duvet?

He turns over and one of his wings slaps her in the face.

Lupa: Ow!

She sniffles, quietly, for some minutes, then starts to cry, softly. Raziel, horrified, moves closer to her, reaching out with one claw. 

Raziel: Are you okay? Lupa?

She wails.

Lupa: I _hate_ you! That really hurt!

Raziel is mortified. 

Raziel: I'm sorry, I'm so sorry…

Lupa, with the speed of a striking snake, darts out a hand and steals the duvet from him.

Lupa: *from within her duvet* Ha ha! Sucker!!

Raziel: *getting out of bed* That was low. 

Lupa pokes her head out of her duvet-nest.

Lupa: Where are you going?

Raziel: Somewhere more peaceful.

Cut to Kain, sitting in his throne room and playing with a Gameboy that Lupa left behind in Nosgoth on one occasion: he is still slightly sooty. 

The doors of his chambers burst open: Raziel walks in, trailing a sleeping bag from one claw. Kain drops the Gameboy in shock.

Kain: Raziel? What are you doing here?

Raziel: I need somewhere to sleep.

Kain: Last time I looked, you had your own castle. 

Raziel: It's cold. And besides, she may come looking for me there. 

Kain looks at his fledgling sagely. 

Kain: Women trouble, huh.

Raziel: I don't want to talk about it. 

Kain holds up his hands in a conciliatory motion. 

Kain: Fine. Fine. Take the corner over there. 

Raziel: Why over there?

Kain: It's the least draughty. What, you think I don't care?

Raziel takes his sleeping bag over to the corner and sits down. Kain returns to his computer game, glancing up occasionally to see what Raziel is doing.

Kain: You know I'm obligated to scream defiance and try and kill you at least three times tonight, don't you.

Raziel: Yes, yes. Just try not to scream too loudly and I'm sure it'll be fine. 

Kain: Goodnight, son.

Raziel: Goodnight.

Back in Vladimir's house, Lupa is huddled in the very centre of the bed in the Frost Room. The stairs creak outside the door, and she looks up in horror, eyes shining. 

Lupa: H-hello…?

In response, thunder rolls across the Nexus sky, and lightning forks down outside the window. Lupa dives under the duvet and quivers.

Lupa: *under her breath* Raz, where are you…?

There! And I didn't victimize Kain…much…*grins*. 


	3. Chapter 3

****

THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?

Chapter 3

__

Disclaimer: Raziel, Kain, Nosgoth: property of Eidos Interactive, Crystal Dynamics, Silicon Knights. Kurt Wagner: property of Marvel Comics. Lupa and Vladimir (get out while you still can…) are mine.

__

*bounces happily* Thank you soooo much for all your reviews! You're all absolute stars… ^_^ 

Raziel: *wearily* Please…you're only encouraging her…

Thunder rolls over the Nexus. Lupa scuttles out of her room and hurries up the stairs. She taps on the door of the Star Room, where Vladimir had been quite happily asleep.

Lupa: Mir? Mir, can I come in?

Vladimir's door opens a crack, and the glow of his blue-and-yellow eyes can be glimpsed within in the darkness.

Vladimir: What's the password?

Lupa: *irritated* I'll going to start singing "I'm Henry the Eighth I am" in a minute…

Vladimir: *opening the door in a hurry* Pass, friend.

Lupa dives past him and huddles in his bed. 

Lupa: I hate thunderstorms. And I think there's someone hiding under a tree in your garden. 

Vladimir: So what else is new? People love my garden. 

Lupa: Convicts and psychopaths love your garden. 

Vladimir: *nastily* Must be why I saw Raziel heading out to the warp-gate a while ago, then. His homicidal tendencies must draw him irresistibly towards my garden.

Lupa: *crestfallen* He went through the gate?

Vladimir: Unless he's the one hiding under the tree, yes. 

In Kain's stronghold, Raziel is curled up in his sleeping bag, trying to doze. There are trailing scorchmarks all around him on the floor, where Kain has made vain attempts to murder him: Kain himself has fallen asleep over his game of Tetris. 

Raziel sighs and glances at his watch (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, won at the Nexus Carnival by Lupa and given to him. It glows in the dark). Three a.m. 

Raziel: *under his breath* Three…two…one…

Kain explodes out of sleep abruptly.

Kain: Raziel! Reckless degenerate! I killed you once!

Raziel: *wearily* Yeah, yeah. Change the record. 

He gets up, leaving the sleeping bag, and heads out of the chamber.

Kain: I order you to come back here and be suitably slaughtered!

Raziel: Not now, okay?

Kain: *calls after him as the doors close* If you don't get back here, you'll be grounded! Raziel? RAZIEL!

In Vladimir's room, Lupa and Vladimir are arguing.

Lupa: Are you discriminating against him because he's blue?

Vladimir: *irritated* No! Kurt's blue, isn't he? And he's one of my best friends. 

Lupa: Then it's because he's dead, isn't it? Vitalist. 

Vladimir: Once and for all, no! I don't care if he's _dead_, as long as bits don't drop off him in the bath. 

Lupa: Then what is it? 

Vladimir: *sulkily* I'm prejudiced against obsessive-compulsives. Especially if what they obsess about is patricide. 

Lupa: Or fratricide? What about fratricide?

Vladimir: *sternly* That too.

The window suddenly illuminates with an unearthly light. Lupa dives beneath Vladimir's duvet in a panic.

Lupa: Lightning!

Vladimir: *correcting her* Warp-gate.

In the garden, soaking wet, Raziel stamps up to the back door and lets himself in.

Vladimir: *calling down from upstairs* Wipe those hooves, mister!

Lupa: *in the background* And you call _him_ obsessive compulsive…

The commotion has woken Kurt: he appears in the lounge as Raziel shakes out his ragged wings and causes a mini-rainstorm.

Kurt: Ach!

He shakes in his turn and his fur puffs out into a damp, spiky mess. He glares at Raziel balefully. 

Kurt: I hate water. 

Raziel looks upset and sits down on the sodden couch. 

Raziel: Does no-one have anything _nice_ to say to me today? It's "Raziel, you've got cold feet", "Raziel, you deserve to be slaughtered", "Raziel, wipe your hooves" – what is _wrong_ with you people?

Lupa moves toward him and offers him a towel. 

Lupa: *quietly* I still like you. 

Raziel: *bitterly* Yes, but you're a fully-qualified nut-job. 

Vladimir stands up from where he has been perched on the sofa-arm.

Vladimir: Scrabble!

Kurt: *frowns* I thought the accepted word was "Eureka!"

Vladimir: No, no no! Scrabble! A perfect solution for depression and good wholesome fun for all ages.

Kurt: *darkly* Not when Spike plays, it isn't. 

Lupa: Ohhh, no. Not the Scrabble again. I'm not having it. Not after the tantrums and the screaming we had last time. 

Vladimir: *sulkily* That was Spike, and he was cheating. 

There is a knocking at the door, and Kurt moves to open it.

Policeman: Is this yours, sir?

He is holding a contrite-looking Rat by the scruff.

Kurt: Lupa! Delivery for you!

Rat: It was only one dustbin. It smelt like there was pie in it.

Lupa: *shudders* Ewwww…come in and have some food that hasn't already been thrown away. Vladimir's getting the Scrabble board out.

Rat: *suddenly* Actually, I can't stay. Lovely to see you.

Lupa grabs her by the ear. 

Lupa: If I suffer, we all suffer. 

She pinpoints Kurt with a glare as he is trying to sneak back upstairs.

Lupa: That goes for you too, elf. 

Kurt: Ah, nuts. 

Across the living room floor, Vladimir has upturned the Scrabble box. Tiles have spilled out all over the carpet. 

Vladimir: *horribly cheerful for nearly four a.m.* Come on, everybody! Who wants to go first?

Raziel: * whispers to Lupa* If I go first, does that mean I have more chance of finishing first?

Lupa: *loudly* _I'll_ go first. 

Raziel jabs her in the ribs.

Raziel: *angrily* You stole my plan!

Kurt leans in, whispers.

Kurt: Never mind. You can join mine if you like. I'm going to fake my own death as soon as Vladimir hits a triple-word score. 

Raziel: I don't think he'll buy it. I'm dead already. 

Kurt: *watching Lupa select tiles in horror* So fake your own resurrection. 

Lupa: *placing tiles with a glare at Vladimir* B-O-R-I-N-G. Boring. No extra scores. 

Vladimir: *huffily* I don't think that's the attitude. Rat? You're up.

__

That's it for now (ran out of time…!) more board-game fun later. 


	4. Chapter 4

**THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?**

**Chapter 4**

_Disclaimer: You know it…Raziel, Nosgoth, Kain – belonging to Eidos Interactive, Crystal Dynamics, Silicon Knights. Kurt Wagner (Nightcrawler) belonging to Marvel Comics. Legolas the Elf – belonging to JRR Tolkein. Lupa & Vladimir? Belonging to me. Please do not sue. I have no money. _

_Thank you for all your reviews – you're so nice to me!!!! ^_^ *clears throat* and now the shameless plug for my own stuff…I have an original story featuring Lupa & Vladimir now up! If you fancy a read, go and visit it (link's in my profile) and tell me what you think. If you don't fancy reading it, I still love ya anyways…:) _

_Let the game go on!_

Raziel irritably throws down some tiles. 

Raziel: M-A-S-S on the front of Vladimir's A-C-R-E. Massacre. 

Vladimir: *nudging Kurt* Add it up.

Kurt: *who has not been concentrating* _Was_?

Vladimir: The score. Add it up. 

Kurt: *sullenly* _Ja, ja._

Rat: Why did you let him do the scoring? He's not all there, that boy.

Vladimir: *snippily* We let him do it because you cheated last time and no-one thinks I can add up right.

Lupa: You can't. 

Raziel: *seeing an opportunity to be bitchy* How many fingers am I holding up, Vladimir?

Vladimir: Get lost, decomposing harridan.

There is a pause: Kurt, realising it's now his turn, picks up his slate with a sigh. The others relax back. This has been known to take some time. Lupa and Rat are leaning across each other, peering at each others' tiles and whispering.

Lupa: That is _not_ a word.

Rat: It is.

Lupa: It's _not_.

Rat: Well, what would _you _call one of those, then?

Lupa thinks about it.

Lupa: *sniffily* I wouldn't talk about them. I have manners.

Rat: Charming.

She glances at Lupa's tiles. 

Rat: What's that one?

Lupa: *loudly* Ssh!

Vladimir and Raziel stare at them suspiciously.

Rat: *persistently* It's a really odd-looking one, that. Could sort of be an 'E'…

Vladimir: *warning tone* Lupa….are you using Legolas' rune-scrabble pieces again?

Lupa gives in and hands it to him.

Lupa: *sulkily* It looks almost like an E. I was hoping you wouldn't notice.

Vladimir: What? After last time? When he tried to spell "library" in Elvish? Not a chance. 

Lupa: The way I remember it, you only made him stop because your Elvish spelling is atrocious and he was winning.

Kurt: *cheerfully putting his tiles down* H-Y-P-O-C on the front of Raziel's R-I-T-E. And a double-letter score. 

Vladimir: Well there's no need to be like that about it!

Rat: *watching Kurt add up his new score, which brings him level with Vladimir in second place – Raziel, surprisingly, is in the lead* See? _Now_ he adds up. When it's to his advantage. 

Kurt glares at her, and Lupa intercedes before any violence can ensue. 

Lupa: What time is it anyway?

Raziel: *glancing proudly at his new watch* About ten past five. 

Lupa: What? Oh, dear God. 

Vladimir: *who has had his good mood thoroughly spoilt* Well, you can see why she's upset. She obviously needs a lot more beauty sleep than the rest of us, poor child.

Lupa: *inscenced* Oooh you hideous great tart.

Raziel: *to Kurt* Is there something…you know…I should know about Vladimir?

Kurt: *chuckles* No, he's straight. It's just unfortunate that he seems to have developed the "_über_-bitch" gene. It's a cat thing.

Lupa and Vladimir have resorted to pushing each other by this stage.

Lupa: *trying to poke him in the eye* Big-muzzled maneless spotted-cub.

Vladimir: Go chase a few cars, you huge-eared slobbering monster. 

They proceed to fight. Rat shuffles over to sit closer to Kurt. 

Vladimir: My ancestors were the symbol of the British Empire!

Lupa: Yeah? Yeah? Well my ancestors founded Rome! Beat that, pussycat!!

Raziel: *who has been staring at the board* Uh…Lupa?

The Scrabble board has suddenly begun to glow, the carefully arranged tiles pulsing with eldritch green light. 

Raziel: *leaning over the board* Is that what I think it is...?

Kurt: _Ich weiß nicht._ What do you think it is?

Raziel: By some terrible co-incidence I think we have managed to perform the summoning rite on one of the nastier Elder Demons.

Rat: What? By playing Scrabble?

Raziel: *pointing at the board* Strictly speaking, by putting down the words 'summon' 'evil' flatten' 'massacre' and 'now', in interlinking patterns.

The board begins to hum nastily, and Kurt grab's Lupa's arm as she is about to use it to great effect on Vladimir's chin.

Kurt: I think you should look at this.

Lupa looks.

Lupa: *small voice* Vladimir?

Vladimir: *smaller voice* Y-yes?

Lupa: Are you sure you know the difference between a Ouija board and a Scrabble board?

Vladimir: You don't get triple-letter scores on a Ouija board?

The lights abruptly go out in the lounge, and only Raziel and Kurt's eyes, glowing with their own light, can be seen.

Rat's voice: Would anyone like a biscuit?

Lupa's voice: *sarcastically* Only if it can be used as a candle. 

_What horrible forces has Vladimir's Scrabble game unleashed? More soon!! ^_^_


	5. Chapter 5

****

THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?

Chapter 5

__

Disclaimer: *clears throat* Raziel, Kain, Nosgoth – belonging to Eidos Interactive, Crystal Dynamics, Silicon Knights. Kurt Wagner (Nightcrawler) belonging to Marvel Comics and the great Stan Lee. Lupa, Vladimir – Okay. I guess I have to take responsibility somewhere….and Rat? Belonging to The Deville's Dog. 

*grins* I love a good game of possessed Scrabble, don't you? Play on!

In the darkness, Raziel brings his claws up and fire sparks briefly around them. The short, reddish glow illuminates the others in the room, and the scattered remains of the Scrabble board.

Raziel: Does this mean I win?

His glyph runs out and the room is plunged into blackness again. There is the sound of Lupa poking him in the arm.

Raziel's voice: Ow!

Lupa's voice: *grumbling* Does it really matter if you win? Honestly….._men_.

Vladimir's voice: Did he though? 

Rat's voice: *firmly* I don't think so. 

Kurt's voice: This is getting silly. Hold on.

Raziel's voice: *incredulously* _Getting_ silly? You mean this was serious once?!

The sound of an implosion of air indicates the mutant has teleported. He returns, seconds later, holding a torch. 

Lupa: *taking it from him* Thanks. 

She plays the thin beam of light around the room, counting under her breath.

Lupa: One…two….three…

Vladimir: *blinking as light hits his eyes* What are you muttering about?

Lupa: *seemingly ignoring him* …four...five…Oh! That's all right then.

Vladimir: *testily* What's all right?

Lupa: I was just checking there were still only five of us. You know, in horror movies, it always happens that when the heroes turn the lights back on, there's an extra person in the room and it's the killer.

She becomes aware that Raziel and Kurt, who have the best night-vision and can see in almost total darkness, are standing very still, watchfully, their glowing, empty eyes fixed….

Raziel: *carefully* Lupa, there's another movie cliché you should be aware of…

Lupa: *miserably* He's behind me, isn't he?

She turns. The torch is swept from her hands by a vast, scaly tail, and in the blackness by the far wall, something massive grunts irritably and shifts position. The crockery on the welsh dresser goes *clink* with the weight.

Everyone in the room except Raziel: AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!

Raziel: Let me at him! Let me at him! I do not fear you, demon!

Vladimir: Somebody stop him before he gets mashed into jelly. 

Kurt and Lupa lay hold of Raziel and they all flee up the stairs, the sounds of the demon's breathing hissing in their ears. Raziel struggles.

Raziel: Let me _go_. I want to destroy him.

Lupa: *soothingly* Run like buggery now, destroy later.

Kurt: *dragging an increasingly rabid Raziel by the arm* Is he always like this?

Lupa: Pretty much. I'm thinking of renaming him Stitch. _(see note at bottom of page if this makes no sense!!! –V.A.)_

They run into The Devil's Room in the attic. Kurt slams the door behind them and bolts it. Lupa deposits Raziel on the bed.

Lupa: Just sit there and don't try to kill anything.

Raziel: *sulkily* 'Kay.

Vladimir and Rat are opening the window – the fire escape ladder outside leads down into the bushes in Vladimir's back garden. It is a clear night, and the moonlight gleams cheerfully from the shiny carved surface of the warp-gate at the bottom of the garden.

Rat: *interested* Gate.

Vladimir: *nodding maniacally* Gate. Big gate. Gate that leads to places that evil demon things are not.

Lupa: You mean you're just going to abandon your house? That thing downstairs could reduce it to rubble.

Vladimir: Better rubble than entrails. All those in favour of scarpering through the gate?

Rat: Aye.

Kurt: *after a brief hesitation* Aye.

Raziel: Nay.

Lupa: But that gate leads to Nosgoth! You want to go somewhere that evil demon things are _not_, that's the wrong gate to pick!

Raziel and Vladimir glance briefly at each other: Raziel nods, quickly.

Vladimir: *climbing down off the windowsill* Okay. Change of plan.

Raziel carefully creeps downstairs, his arm raised before him, the Soul Reaver curling up to his shoulder and illuminating the room with pale blue light. Behind him on the stairs, Lupa and Rat are crouched, waiting and watching.

The demon is hulked over the TV, watching _The Simpsons_ with subtitles. Raziel prods it in the butt, disrespectfully, with the end of the Reaver. It growls and turns a pair of cat-like yellow eyes upon him.

Lupa: *from behind him* Oi! Ugly demon dude!

Raziel: Now! Now!

Rat, Vladimir, Lupa and Kurt pelt down the stairs and out through the front door, leaving it swinging in their wake. The demon huffs angrily and manoeuvres its massive scaly body around to follow them, which is when Raziel slyly aims a fire glyph between its legs. There is a short, painful explosion, and the demon, yowling, lumbers into a run.

Raziel: *Shouting out the door* It's on the move and not looking likely to stop!

Vladimir and Lupa are leading the run to the gate, with Kurt and Rat keeping a close second. 

Lupa: *hearing Raziel's bellowed warning* Now he tells us!?

Vladimir lays one hand on the gate and it explodes into life, the warp-bubble activating and glowing green. It has barely time to settle before he has run through it, closely followed by Rat. 

Kurt: I'll wait for Raziel.

Lupa: *pushing him* No, I'll do it. Get going.

Further argument is cut short as Raziel himself comes sprinting down the garden, hooves cutting swathes of turf up around him. 

Raziel: It's right behind me! Why are you still here?

He vanishes into the gate as the ground begins to shake under the demon's footfalls, dragging Lupa with him. Kurt takes one look back as the demon charges forward: then he too dives through the gate and is gone.

Cut to: the tunnels outside the Clan Territories. A lone Dumahim fledgling patrols up and down, ceaselessly. He's bored. His orders? To watch out for the return of the traitorous Lord Raziel, who apparently has been wreaking havoc throughout Nosgoth once again. Patrolling outside the door to the local warp-gate room seemed like a good idea at the time. 

The door is flung open, and the Dumahim finds himself nose-to-cowl with Raziel.

Raziel: Sorry. No time. Promise I'll kill you later.

He sprints past, followed by a motley crew of two wolf-girls, a lion-man and a blue-furred mutant, heading for Kain's throne room. The fledgling just stares.

Rat: *looking about her in distaste* Where are we?

Lupa: Nosgoth. Home to many vampires and practically no plant life whatsoever.

Rat: *hopefully* But there's pizza delivery, right?

Vladimir: I think this is the one place Domino's won't go, kid. 

Kurt: No, this doesn't look like moped country to me.

Raziel: Keep moving. This isn't the sort of place to hang around gossiping in.

They vanish in the tunnels. The Dumahim shakes his ugly head and growls to himself in confusion. His confusion isn't destined to last long, fortunately: he is crushed beneath the demon's vast clawed foot as it plunges furiously through the wall. 

Kain: *glancing up from his latest copy of _Killing & Maiming Monthly_* What was that?

Unlucky Turelim: What, O Master?

Kain: *listening intently* Is someone doing home improvements…?

Unlucky Turelim: *shuffling his feet* We weren't going to tell you until it was finished….

Kain: *pleased and amused* What? 

Unlucky Turelim: We've…uh…been doing up the kitchen at Melchiah's place. With all new pine fittings.

Kain: *clasping his hands together* Pine? My favourite…

The double doors swing open abruptly, and Raziel skids to a halt in the centre of the floor.

Raziel: Gangway!

Vladimir, Lupa and the rest charge in after him and collapse in an exhausted heap among the pillars.

Lupa: *weakly* Nosgoth, we have a problem.

__

That's it for now! By the way, if you haven't seen Lilo & Stitch, Stitch is a little blue alien who was genetically designed to destroy everything he sees….^_^


	6. Chapter 6

**THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?**

Chapter…er..um… 

Disclaimer: Raziel, Kain, Nosgoth: belonging to Eidos Interactive, Crystal Dynamics, Silicon Knights. Kurt Wagner: belonging to Marvel Comics. Rat: belonging to The Deville's Dog ^_^. Lupa and Vladimir? To me, guys….

_Yeah, It's short. It may even be boring. Please forgive! I've been ill and trying to organise my wedding and what feels like three million other things. Thank you for all your reviews, and thanks again also to all those who read my original fic (Chapter 2 now up *coughcough*)_

_:) Enjoy the show…_

Kain: *in disbelief* What the – Raziel! 

Raziel: Before you say anything, for once, this is not my fault. 

Kain gives him a look. 

Kain: I doubt that. It's always your fault. Why couldn't you be good like Rahab?

He catches sight of Lupa struggling to breathe. 

Kain: Aah! Get her away from me!

Vladimir: *suspiciously, to Lupa* What did you do this time? Honestly, there isn't a world I can go to these days that you haven't contaminated. You're like a virus.

He shuts up, aware that Kain is glowering at him. 

Kain: *to Kurt* I know you, too. 

His eyes narrow angrily.

Kain: I know _all of you. _

He glances at Rat.

Kain: Except you. *flatly* Nice to meet you, I'm sure. 

Rat sulks slightly.

Kurt: _Verdamnt charming personality. I'm infamous and irresistable in all dimensions. _

Lupa: With all due respect, Mister Kain, could we do this later? 

Vladimir: *nodding* Much as I'd love to have a fascinating coffee-morning chat with you, sir, I think we have a bigger problem in hand. 

Kain: *suspicious* What have you people done?

From a short distance away, there is a sound of stone crumbling and the roar of an extremely bewildered and angry demon trying to work out his issues on the walls. 

Kain: What the hell is that?

Raziel: *as they all edge away from the doors* Dad, do you by any chance have a really big cage?

Lupa: Or a really big stick?

It is obvious that Kain is fighting dual impulses: one, to smash the intruders into pulp: two, to help the intruders smash a demon into pulp. He frowns.

Kain: I don't have anything of the kind…

The doors of Kain's throne room bow inwards with a strained creaking noise. Lupa whimpers and hides behind Raziel.

Kain: …but Melchaiah does. Everybody, this way!

He runs towards the pillars and presses a button. The central pillar vanishes into the floor, revealing a pit and a fireman's pole. 

Raziel: *incredulously* How long has this been here?

Kain: How else was I supposed to keep an eye on all of you? Now get down that pole before I swipe you. 

Lupa: *sarcastically, following Kain down the pole* "Quick! To the Kain-Cave!"

Kurt: *shinning down the vertical wall beside her* "Holy warp-gates, Bat-Girl!"

Rat: *peevishly, from above* Don't you two ever shut up?

Vladimir: Unfortunately, not in living memory. They think they're being funny.

Lupa: At least we _think we're being funny. You just know you're __not. _

Vladimir: *snippily* Ooh, bitch, bitch, bitch….

Kain's voice: *from the darkness below* Will you girls just stop tweaking each other's pigtails long enough to get your asses in gear?

Raziel's voice: For once, I'm with Dad. 

Above, as the pillar slides back into place, the demon crashes into the chamber and bellows at the top of its lungs. When it realises there are no small beings to cower before it, it taps one foot in irritation and starts a search of the throne room. 

Below in the tunnels: Raziel and Kain are arguing.

Raziel: You had keys to our rooms as well?!

Kain: Aha, you didn't know that, did you?

Raziel: Turel accused me of reading his diary! It was you, wasn't it?

Kain: *takes up pose, as if quoting* "Oh, I do so wish that my ears were smaller. All the nice girls love Raziel and his ears are tiny…"

Raziel: *furiously* He punched me over that! I owe you a punch!

Kain: Come on then, girly-boy. Let's see what you've got. 

They are about to fight, when Vladimir brushes past them.

Vladimir: *smugly* Now who's being bitchy, ladies?

Kain and Raziel stare at each other for a moment.

Kain: Truce?

Raziel: Truce. Now let's get _him_. 

Vladimir starts running. 


	7. Chapter 7

****

THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?

Chapter 7

Disclaimer: Raziel, Kain, Nosgoth, Melchiah etc: not mine. Very creative people at Eidos Interactive, Crystal Dynamics, Silicon Knights made those. Kurt Wagner: again, not mine. All hail Marvel Comics for their creative genius. Rat belongs to The Deville's Dog (further story about Rat is in the Originals section. Check it out ^_^) Lupa and Vladimir are my creations and for some odd reason I want to keep them. :)

__

Thank you for all your reviews and best wishes. I feel much better now. Unfortunately the bad case of getting married I contracted about a year ago doesn't seem to be going away. *grins*

Oh and Syvia, Kain knows Vladimir from a previous chapter when Kain turns up, covered in soot, in Vladimir's lounge!

Vladimir, still running, is the first to enter Melchiah's chamber. He stops dead. Raziel and Kain promptly run into his back. 

Raziel: Oof!

Kain: What are we stopping for? Trample the little squirt. 

Vladimir: *lip curled and whiskers arched in distaste* Ewwwwww….this place is way beyond disgusting…

From behind him, Lupa, Kurt and Rat lean over his shoulder and peer out into the gloom. Melchiah's room (as you well know…*grins*) is a circular torture chamber decorated in typical Nosgothian faux-medieval, with a charming centre-piece of a vast metal cage, topped by a truly unbelievably large meat grinder. Inside the cage, the remains of Melchiah can still be glimpsed, and there is dark blood on the floor. 

Kain turns on Raziel in a temper.

Kain: You _squashed_ your little brother?!?

Raziel: *incredulous* Little? There are _elephants_ in this world that are lighter on their feet than Melchiah was.

Kain: *heavily* You know what I mean. 

Lupa: *to Kain* You mean you didn't know? I thought you knew. They're dead. All of them. Raz killed them.

Kain: I knew they were dead. *turns on Raziel* But I had no idea you would resort to squashing. I'm shocked. Shocked and appalled.

Raziel: *looking slightly smug* Squashing, exploding, lighting a furnace with, you name it, I've done it. 

Kain: Why you little-

They do the Homer and Bart Simpson choking thing. Lupa intervenes. 

Lupa: Hey!

They both freeze and look at her. 

Lupa: Hello? Ugly demon thing on our tails?

Rat: *who is further back down the tunnel* Very much on our tails.

They can all hear, by now, the demon's heavy tread in the passage. Kurt, somewhat foolishly, crawls along the tunnel ceiling towards the noises. He stops when the demon thumps past directly below him, then he vanishes in a cloud of purplish smoke.

Kurt: *reappearing at Rat's side* He's on his way. Let's move. 

Lupa: *saluting ironically* Yes, sir, o great leader of Excalibur. 

The mutant pokes her in the arm.

Kurt: I thought you'd been warned about making jokes about big weapons. 

Lupa: I know. I know. I just can't help myself. Character flaw. 

They all hurry out into the room, Vladimir edging around the dried splatters of blood on the floor and going "Ew. Ewww," at intervals. 

Rat: *to Raziel* What is this place?

Raziel: Well, you know how werewolves are sometimes referred to as 'skin-changers'?

Rat: Sure.

Raziel: This is the _dark_ side of skin-changing. Welcome to the twisted, sick world of my baby brother. 

Lupa: Oh, like no elder brother's ever said _that_ before.

Kain and Vladimir swing themselves up onto the outcrop where Raziel had crouched, several months previously, trying desperately to work out how to squash his brother. Rat is playing with a lever on the wall nearby: Kurt and Lupa are discussing tactics. 

Lupa: So when he comes through the door here, you 'port to the lever behind that portcullis there –

Kurt: At which point you'll already be waiting by that lever behind _that_ portcullis _there_…*he points* 

Lupa: Then, once I've slammed down the lever, we have to –

Raziel: *who has been considering the cage* How are we going to get it inside?

They turn to look at him. 

Kain: *from his vantage point* Hate to admit it, but he's got a point there.

Lupa: What?

Raziel: Melchiah could phase through the bars. This demon can't.

Rat: *still absently swinging the lever* So far as we know. 

Raziel: *acknowledging* So far as we know, yes. 

Vladimir: Oh, hell. 

Kain: *who has been listening intently* No time. It's coming. 

The demon squeezes itself through the archway, shucking portcullis spikes like toothpicks. It draws itself up to its full height and bellows angrily. The two vampires spring forward, claws raised, to attack –

Kain: *grabbing Raziel's arm as he is about to cast a glyph* Wait wait wait.

Raziel: *struggling* No! This mother's going down. 

Kain: *somewhat perplexingly* But that's the point. _Mother_. 

Lupa: *massaging her brow* Please don't tell me that's your granny, Raz.

Vladimir: Ack! Kain, you have no taste.

Kain marches forward and waves up at the demon, who regards him with a great deal of suspicion. 

Kain: Mary-Sue? Is that you?

Vladimir: *not coming down from his ledge* That's a demon called Mary-Sue?

Rat: *incredulously* That's a _girl_?

Lupa: *long-suffering* Well that has to be the oldest joke in the book.

Vladimir: Yeah, the really huge ugly monster turns out to be a sweet little girly. *He looks at Lupa pointedly and grins* Because that never happens, does it, Lupa my love?

Lupa: Go suck a cheese straw, fuzz-face.

Rat: *backing her up* Yeah, no-one calls Lupa a girly and gets away with it.

The demon rumbles something in an ugly dialect. Kain laughs, and replies.

Lupa: *to Raziel* What'd he say?

Raziel: *shrugs* I have no idea. I never learnt Ugly Drooling Demon-Speak at school. 

Lupa: Huh.

Raziel: It was a choice between learning a foreign language and taking extra classes in oppressing the peasantry. I wanted to improve my people skills. 

The demon and Kain are engaged in deep conversation. Kurt leans against the wall and checks his watch, getting bored now that the threat of certain death seems to have passed. Rat joins Vladimir on his ledge. 

Lupa: *to pass the time* What else did you do at school?

Raziel: I was the undisputed leader of all my class-mates. Apart from Dumah who I had to beat up behind the weapons shed. Why? What did you do?

Lupa: Drank a lot of caffeine-based fizzy and tried to avoid phys. ed. 

The demon stumps up behind Raziel and slobbers genially on his shoulder.

Raziel: Ugh!

Kain: Raziel, I'd like you to meet your second cousin Mary-Sue. 

Raziel: *wiping demon goop from his wings* I'd like to say I'm charmed. But judging on the current situation I'll have to settle for sticky.

The demon coos something in its own language. 

Lupa: That sounded suggestive.

Kurt: How could you tell?

Lupa: I've been a master of the suggestive comment since I was ten. I know a dubious tone when I hear one. 

Kurt: *raises an eyebrow* Really? Okay…_Ich möchte ein Stuck Kuchen und eine Biere._ ("I would like a piece of cake and a beer" – V.A's terrible high-school german, 'scuse spelling!!!)

Lupa: *smacks him* Dirty thing.

Vladimir: But he only said….

Lupa: Perverts, both of you.

Kurt: *rubbing his head ruefully, to Kain* Keep away from her. She's crazy.

Kain: *arrogantly* Don't worry about _me_, blue devil person. She cannot touch _me_. 

Lupa, in passing, flicks him in the temple.

Kain: Ow! Infernal woman…

Vladimir: Now you see what we have to put up with…OW!

Raziel, in the meantime, is trying to extricate himself from the clutches of his new-found family member.

Raziel: *trying to dodge eager tentacles, hopping from one hoof to the other* No, honestly. I can't come to the next family reunion. I'm feeling affronted. You never came to my funeral. Yes. I'm dead. No, I just haven't stopped moving yet.

He manages to catch Kain's eye.

Raziel: *slapping at a questing antenna* Any idea how we can get dear cousin Drool back to her home dimension?

Kain: Why would we want to? This is too much fun to watch. 

__

*yawns* Okay…I admit to needing sleep now. ^_^


	8. Chapter 8 Four Hours Later

****

THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?

Chapter 8 – Four Hours Later

Disclaimer: Raziel, Kain & Nosgoth belong to Eidos Interactive, Crystal Dynamics and Silicon Knights: Kurt Wagner (the fuzzy-elf) belongs to Marvel Comics. Rat belongs to The Deville's Dog. Lupa and Vladimir (never to be separated) belong to me.

__

Thanks to all who have reviewed! Oh, and Syvia…*giggles* Yeah, you spotted him. It WAS that bleach-blond vamp ;) Lupa knows him well.

Raziel and Lupa are sat on the roof of Vladimir's garage, playing chess. Lupa is wearing her old red halter and blue thunderstorm flares: Raziel, somewhat incongruously, is wearing a pair of Vladimir's jeans, belted very tightly around his non-waist, and a new black T-shirt that reads: _667 – The Neighbour of the Beast_ in red letters on the front. His Razelim clan scarf has been replaced by a large tea-towel.

Lupa: *seriously* Bishops don't move like that.

Raziel, in mid-move, puts his bishop down with a sigh and sits back to consider his pieces more carefully.

Lupa: *changing the subject* Turned out all right in the end, eh?

Raziel makes an unimpressed noise. 

Lupa: *deadpan* Shame about all that drool getting into your clothes.

Raziel fixes her with a death-glare as if daring her to mention that the tea-towel has a pattern of ugly, big-eyed kittens on it. He moves a knight.

Lupa: But I thought it was funny when Mary-Sue trod on Kain's arm like that.

Still no response. 

Lupa: Are you _ever_ going to talk to me again?

Raziel: *giving in* Look, I thought we all agreed. Me, Kurt, Vladimir and Kain shook on it. We agreed that we should never speak of this again. Why can't you go along with that?

Lupa tries to meet his angry gaze with a subdued, serious look…but the kittens are too much for her.

Lupa: Mwhahahahahahahaha….!

Raziel sighs.

Lupa: Oh, come on, sulky. See the funny side.

Raziel: *moodily* What funny side?

Lupa: *sniggering* The side where you and Kain nearly fell into the Abyss trying to get away from Mary-Sue.

Raziel: *darkly* He deserved to fall in. He was the one who told her I liked big scaly girls. 

Lupa moves her queen. 

Lupa: Check. 

Inside the house, Vladimir and Kurt are making punch. 

Vladimir: *stirring the bowl with a ladle* Pass me the vodka.

Kurt: No, no. It should be more colourful.

Vladimir: The less colourful the drink, the more colourful the effect. Vodka please. 

Kurt: *sarcastically* It's supposed to be punch, not K.O. 

He picks up a bottle of blue curacao. 

Kurt: Now _this_ is more like it. 

Rat: *watching them and licking at a spoon covered in peanut-butter* Did you know it's actually impossible to make a truly blue cocktail that has more than three types of alcohol in it?

Kurt and Vladimir look at each other and grin. 

Kurt: That sounds like a challenge. 

Vladimir: Indeed. Get out the weird bottles from under the stairs. 

Back on the garage roof: Raziel, still contemplating his next move, peers out over the garden. 

Raziel: Looks like Kain's back. 

The warp-gate at the bottom of the garden glows green and Kain staggers out of it, looking shaky. He leans on the garage and looks up plaintively.

Raziel: *feeling better suddenly* Hello, Father. Did she make it home all right? 

Lupa: So kind of you to offer to walk her home, Kain. A girl shouldn't have to walk home alone through Nosgoth. It's not safe these days. Someone might have mugged her for her mobile phone.

Kain: *numbly* They…they gave me tea.

Raziel: *cheerfully* Were they nice, her family? She was telling me she's one of twenty sisters, and _she's_ considered the looker.

Kain: *still in shock* And a biscuit. 

Lupa: Never mind. It can't be as bad as Vladimir's tea, by any measure.

Kain shakes himself out of it with an effort.

Kain: *staring at Raziel* Nice kittens, son.

Raziel: Look, the other one had amusing cartoon vegetables on! What was I supposed to do?

Lupa: *exasperated* Oh, for god's sake…come on. We'll go and see if your scarf's finished in the dryer.

She starts to swing herself down from the roof. Raziel reaches out a claw and makes his move.

Raziel: Checkmate.

He follows her, leaving the board. A stray gust of wind tips over Lupa's king.

Inside: Vladimir is getting irritated with the punch's stubborn refusal to turn properly blue. 

Vladimir: *speaking sharply to the punch-bowl* Damn you! Why won't you behave?!

Lupa: *to Kurt* Hey, fuzzy...what's going on?

Kurt: *rummaging in a cob-webby box* Some of these bottles don't even have _labels_ on…_mein Gott_…

Rat: Vladimir's trying to make a truly blue drink with more than three types of alcohol in it.

Kain: But that's impossible. Everybody knows that. _(Don't try this at home, kids!! Only dumb vampires who can't get alcohol poisoning do this – V.A.)_

Vladimir throws down his ladle with a _sploosh_.

Vladimir: That does it! I'm melting that stick of Blackpool rock!

Rat: *hurt* But I bought you that the last time I went to the seaside. 

Lupa: And besides, rock is pink. Why would that help?

Raziel comes out of the back room, adjusting his newly-dry scarf.

Vladimir: *who is by now in the grip of a towering obsession* Find me my large fondue set! This baby's gonna caramelise…

Raziel: *looking at Kurt in an accusing manner* Did someone let him eat blue Smarties again?

Kurt: For heaven's sake, don't mention anything blue…

Lupa: *nudging him cheerfully* Watch it, Kurt…he might put _you_ in the fondue. 

Kain: What's Blackpool rock?

Lupa: A sugar fetishist's dream. 

Vladimir, having clattered through his cupboards and found the small fondue set, the giant fondue set, the Little Book of Fondue and a toasting fork, is rapidly running out of patience. Rat dips her peanut-butter spoon into the punch. The head of the spoon dissolves.

Kain: *who has been eyeing the ugly greyish liquid in the punch-bowl with suspicion* Why don't you just drop it in there? I bet it would melt.

Lupa and Raziel: *who both know Vladimir's cooking of old* I wouldn't….

Vladimir picks up a pair of barbecue tongs, and slowly lowers the rock into the bowl. 

__

From demons to the demon drink…what will they think of next?! ^_^

__


	9. Chapter 9 The Morning After

****

THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?

Chapter 9 - The Morning After

Disclaimer: Raziel, Kain, Nosgoth, Melchiah etc: not mine. Very creative people at Eidos Interactive, Crystal Dynamics, Silicon Knights made those. Kurt Wagner: again, not mine. All hail Marvel Comics for their creative genius. Rat belongs to The Deville's Dog (further story about Rat is in the Originals section. Check it out ^_^) Lupa and Vladimir are my creations and for some odd reason I want to keep them. :) And plus! This chapter, special cameo appearances from: Legolas the Elf (property of JRR Tolkein) and Spike (property of…erm…Fox? Joss Whedon? Anyhow, not me)

__

Yes. They really are going to drink that…I may bottle it and try to sell it so I can afford my very own Raziel next time. *grins*

Scene opens in Vladimir's hall. The usual display of coats hanging there…and also, leant up in a corner next to Vladimir's wellies - a large quiver, full of arrows, and a elven longbow.

Raziel walks across the lounge, hooves crunching on spilt peanuts, chips, pizza boxes and kebab containers. He goes into the kitchen and starts clattering about with frying pans.

Vladimir, who is lying half-way up the stairs with his head resting on an upturned saucepan, wakes up abruptly.

Vladimir: Wha-? *feels the texture and taste in his mouth* Ugh…..

Raziel: *popping his head out of the kitchen* Do you want breakfast? I'm doing pancakes.

Vladimir: Go away. I'm dying.

Raziel: *shrugs* Fair enough. 

He vanishes back into the kitchen, and the clattering begins anew. Vladimir winces at the loud, abrasive sounds, pushes himself to his feet and staggers up the stairs. Someone is being heavily ill in the green bathroom, to judge by the noise. Vladimir wrinkles his nose and presses on to the Devil's Room in the attic. He knocks on the door.

Vladimir: Kurt!

No response.

Vladimir: I know you're in there.

He shoulders open the door and approaches the heap of duvet on the bed. He kicks it.

Vladimir: Kurt!

Kurt: Go 'way.

Vladimir grabs the duvet and pulls. A reluctant Nightcrawler emerges.

Kurt: What do you want? I was sleeping.

Vladimir: Get out of there this minute and help me. I think Legolas is being sick in my bathroom.

Kurt gives him a look.

Kurt: And you want me to do…what? Hold his hair for him? Go _away_.

He tries to dive back under the duvet but Vladimir grabs him by the ears and pulls him back out.

Kurt: Ouch! _Was_? 

Vladimir: I blame you for this entirely.

Kurt: *angrily* Me? What did _I_ do? You were the one who insisted on melting that stick of Blackpool rock.

Vladimir: *shaking his head* I never did that. I'm sure I never did that. I love rock. You were the one who put that blue stuff in.

Kurt: Blue curacao? 

Vladimir: Is that what it said on the bottle?

Kurt: _Ja_.

Vladimir: And you found it under the stairs in that box with all the bottles in?

Kurt: *shrugging into his dressing gown* Sure.

Vladimir frog-marches him out the door. 

Vladimir: Come on and help me. We just have to pray it wasn't the double-strength dragon repellant.

As they hurry down to the green bathroom, Lupa drowsily looks out from the Frost Room.

Lupa: What's going on? I smell pancakes.

Vladimir: *putting his hands on his hips* I sincerely hope you weren't sleeping in there with Raziel last night, young lady.

Lupa frowns as if trying to recall something very important.

Lupa: I don't _think_ I was sleeping….

Legolas chooses this moment to open the bathroom door, looking very miserable.

Lupa: What did you horrible lot do to him?!

Vladimir: *putting one hand over his eyes* He drank it.

Lupa: He never did! *to Legolas* You never did?!

Legolas: *trying to focus* Why…is the ceiling…down there?

Lupa: *shocked* Oh, poor baby.

Raziel: *from downstairs* Kurt, did you want breakfast?

Kurt: *calling down* _Ja_. Toast please. Be there in just a sec.

Legolas catches the scent of frying and dives back into the bathroom, slamming the door.

Lupa: *crossly, to Vladimir* I thought you said you were going to use it to clean the drains!

Vladimir: I did?

Lupa: Yes! Right after you said you were going to change your name to Suzy and dance on a platform at the Silver Fox club.

Vladimir: *massaging his temples* Ohhhh boy.

He presses one ear up to the door.

Vladimir: Legolas? Are you all right in there?

Downstairs, the doorbell rings. 

Raziel: *cheerfully* I'll get it!

He opens the door and lets in Spike, who makes a point of glancing warily into all the corners before stepping inside.

Spike: Okay, where is it?

Raziel: Where is what?

Spike: You know. The demon brew. The ten-dollar paintstripper.

Raziel: *jerking a claw over his shoulder, indicating the kitchen* In there. It's going brown now, but it still looks interesting. See for yourself.

Spike: *heading for a chair* No way. It might bite me or something.

Raziel: Oh, I shouldn't think so. Legolas drank some of it, and he's still alive.

Vladimir: *tersely, from the upper landing* He's _moving_. I think alive might be putting it a bit strongly.

Kain also walks out from the Frost Room, yawning. Vladimir glances between him and Lupa, in horror.

Vladimir: *grabbing Lupa by the shoulders* Say it ain't so, baby. SAY IT AIN'T SO!!!!

Lupa: *looking at Kain in realisation* Oh! I thought that draft excluder was heavier than normal when I fell over it.

Kain: *surprisingly chipper* That's all right. At least you didn't try and wedge my legs under the door like Raziel did when he came up.

Vladimir: You had two vampires in your room, you nasty little wolfy slapper?

Lupa: Technically, no. It's Raziel's room.

A while later - most of the guests are down in the lounge eating breakfast. Vladimir and Spike stand on the landing, trying to work out what to do about the elf, who has only emerged once, demanded his bow and quiver, then retreated once more. The wall outside the green bathroom is peppered with arrows.

Spike: Seriously. He needs a drink of water. He looks rougher than me after a night on the piss, and that's saying something.

Vladimir: *holding a pint glass of water in one hand, knocks at the door* Legolas? I brought you something to drink…

Legolas' voice: *from within, furiously* Drink? _DRINK_?!!!!

The door opens a mere few inches, and a barrage of arrows flies through the gap. Vladimir flattens himself to the carpet. The arrows lodge in the wall inches from his head.

Spike: *grinning* Well, at least his aim's improving.

Vladimir: *scathingly* Ha bloody ha.


	10. Chapter 10

****

THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?

Chapter 10 – Lupaphobia

Disclaimer: Raziel, Kain, Nosgoth: belonging to Silicon Knights, Crystal Dynamics, Eidos Interactive. Kurt Wagner (Nightcrawler) belonging to Marvel Comics _(he's gonna be in the movie! Wow! – V.A.) _Legolas the Elf and related MiddleEarth references – belonging to JRR Tolkein. Rat is the property of The Deville's Dog – Lupa & Vladimir belong to me!

__

*bows* Thankyou so much for all the reviews. I am not worthy! ^_^

Late afternoon in Vladimir's house: Rat and Raziel are sitting on the sofa, taking turns at playing _Resident Evil_ on Vladimir's Playstation. Lupa is carefully feeding pieces of dry _lembas_ to Legolas, who is sitting quietly in the leather wing-chair and looking haunted.

Lupa: *sympathetically* How are you feeling, babe?

Legolas: *shudders* Are you sure Sauron didn't invent that stuff?

Lupa: Quite sure. It was Vladimir. I saw him stirring it with the barbecue fork.

Legolas: *glances over his shoulder at Vladimir, who is sorting out decks of _Magic: The Gathering_ cards* Servant of the Dark One.

Vladimir: *unperturbed* Orc-shagger.

Legolas: Fiend of Mordor.

Vladimir: *sings to himself* Dude Looks Like A Lady…

Raziel: *impatiently* Will you two shut up? I'm trying to get this bit right.

Rat: It's only killing a few zombies. It's not like it's hard. 

Raziel: *tosses the joypad at her* Fine. You think it's so damn easy? You do it.

Rat: *huffily* Fine. Just because you can't aim for toffee.

They return to staring at the screen in silence.

Lupa: *to Vladimir* You're a fine one to talk about looking effeminate. 

Vladimir: What?

Legolas: *who is, understandably, not in the best of tempers* You heard.

Kurt comes in from outside, his fur fluffed out.

Kurt: Brrrrrrrr. *he gives himself a shake* Do you have any idea how cold it is out there?

Lupa: You were the one who volunteered to help Spike with his bike. 

Kurt: And don't think I'm not regretting it as we speak. He's gone home, by the way. Something about having a soul to catch. 

Raziel: Sounds familiar…

Kain stamps down from upstairs, looking angry _(hey. Like this is a surprise! – V.A.)_

Kain: Raziel? How come you have a room here?

Raziel: *shrugs* Vladimir gave it me. 

Kain: *glowers at Vladimir, who quails* Why didn't you offer me a room? I had to sleep on Raziel's floor.

Vladimir: Call me crazy, but I was kind of hoping you weren't staying. 

Kain: *affronted* How rude. I shall smite you. 

Raziel: Please, Dad? Do you have to smite _all_ my friends?

Kain: You seemed quite glad when I used to smite those kids from your school.

Raziel: *looks embarrassed* Yeah…well they used to call me Beanpole.

Kain: *leaning over Vladimir, claws raised to strike* Oh! *suddenly leans in closer, interested* Is that a Mirri Catwarrior card? I've always wanted one of those…

Rat: *hands Raziel back the joypad, smugly* Done it. Your turn. 

Raziel: *takes it* Damnit I'm just no good at these games. 

Rat: *eyeing his hands* Maybe a joystick would be better for you…

Lupa: You should try _Dino Crisis_. It's much easier. The puzzles are –

Raziel: Wait? This game has puzzles? 

He puts the pad down as if it's red hot.

Raziel: Somebody else play. 

Kain: Oh please. Don't tell me you still haven't got over that little phobia of yours. 

Lupa: Phobia?

Raziel: *furious* Don't you _dare_.

Kain: I'm your father. It is my job to embarrass you.

Lupa: Raz? 

Kain: Raziel is scared of puzzles. Surely you've noticed. 

Vladimir: *sniggers*

Lupa: *in defence of Raziel* Shut up, you. Who was it who spent two hours in his closet because there was a moth in the bathroom?

Kain: Why did you think Nosgoth is so full of the damn things? _I_ put them there. In case the little idiot ever got ideas above himself.

Lupa: *frowns* I guess I just thought your architects were smoking something illegal. 

Kain: Actually, they were. But that's beside the point.

Raziel: *sulkily* Great. Now everyone knows. 

Rat: *kindly* No-one thinks any less of you, Raziel.

Lupa: *who has been giving it some thought* Actually….

She bounces over to a somewhat bemused Raziel and gives him a hug.

Raziel: *submitting to the hug* Not that this isn't nice…but did you want something?

Lupa: *looks at him brightly* Don't you get it? You're scared of puzzles, but you did loads of them! You…you faced the fear and did it anyway! I am so proud of you!

Raziel: *slowly* You're proud of me for killing my entire family and going off on a mad rampage through time itself.

Lupa: But you were conquering your phobia! Years of therapy have not achieved this sort of result in my world!

Kain: *to Vladimir* What sort of moral values do you have here?!

Vladimir: *dismissivly* Don't generalise. The girl's just warped. 

He pats Raziel on the shoulder, cheerfully.

Vladimir: Everyone's got something they're afraid of. 

Kain: *derisively* Ha!

Everyone looks at him.

Kain: What? I am Kain. I fear nothing. 

Legolas: Ridiculous.

Raziel: *shifting Lupa's weight on his lap* You know, he may be right. 

Kain: *eyeing Lupa warily* Just make sure you keep her over there, will you, son?


	11. Chapter 11

****

THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?

Chapter 11

Disclaimer: Raziel, Kain, Nosgoth: belonging to Silicon Knights, Crystal Dynamics, Eidos Interactive. Kurt Wagner (Nightcrawler) belonging to Marvel Comics. Legolas the Elf and related MiddleEarth references – belonging to JRR Tolkein. Rat is the property of The Deville's Dog – Lupa & Vladimir belong to me!

__

Yes, okay. I was playing Silent Hill. ;)

Kain and Vladimir are washing up in Vladimir's kitchen: Kain has his claws deep in the soapy water, while Vladimir is wringing out a soaking tea-towel and eyeing his help-mate suspiciously. 

Kain: *turning a ghastly smile on Vladimir* See? I'm helpful around the house. Clean and tidy. Good with children.

Raziel: *popping his head into the kitchen* Me and Lupa are going up to sort out my room…

Kain: *roars* Oh, is that what you young people call it these days? I didn't bring you up to behave like that, young man…

Raziel: No, you brought me up to be a blood-sucking psychopath. But I'll let that pass. 

Kain: Why you little –

Raziel vanishes back into the lounge in a huff. 

Vladimir: *flatly* Why do you _really_ want to stay here?

Kain: *scrubs at a frying pan with sudden intensity…his claws scratch through the non-stick coating and Vladimir clicks his teeth in disgust* I'm just affronted that you gave my black sheep a room and didn't even think of me. 

Vladimir: *who is harbouring serious doubts that this is the real reason at all* To be honest, Mister Kain…you _were_ threatening to kill us. 

Kain: *shrugs* Oh, you don't want to mind that. Ask Raziel. It's just my little way.

Vladimir sighs. As he well knows, the Nexus has a strict policy – all are welcome, until they start behaving in any manner which would threaten other inhabitants. Kain tries the friendly grin again. Vladimir flinches.

Vladimir: *reluctantly* There's always the Silent Hill Room. In the basement. But you can't leave any of your stuff there. And no guests after ten. 

Kain nods eagerly.

Vladimir: And no hanging dead bodies from hooks on the walls. 

Kain: *cheerfully* I promise. 

Vladimir dries his paws and brings out the floor plans of his house. The Silent Hill Room is marked by a splotch of what could possibly be blood. 

Vladimir: *pointing* That's the Devil's Room – Kurt's. That one's Lupa's. Was called the Pendulum Room – now known simply as The Pit. That one, the Dark Star Room, that's mine. No-one goes in there, this includes you. The Frost Room, Raziel's, as you know, and the Evenstar Room is Legolas's, when he's here. Vacuum cleaner in the utility room, weapons of mass destruction in the cupboard under the stairs –

Kain grins.

Vladimir: *seamlessly* - which are out of bounds to you. 

Kain sulks. Vladimir gives him his most penetrating stare.

Vladimir: Why _do_ you want to stay here, Mister Kain?

Upstairs, in the Frost Room, Raziel and Lupa are moving the bed. 

Lupa: Left a bit.

Raziel, who is holding the bed in the air above his head, sidesteps to the left. 

Lupa: Now in to the wall…then drop!

Raziel lowers the bed as gently as possible. Downstairs, in the lounge, Rat, Kurt and Legolas look up in alarm as dust spirals gently down from the ceiling. 

Rat: *innocently* That sounds very energetic. 

Kurt sniggers and Legolas taps him on the head with the end of his bow, scolding.

Upstairs, Lupa bounces on the bed in its new position under the window. 

Lupa: This is so much better!

She pulls the curtain back.

Lupa: Look, Raz! Snow!

Raziel sits down next to her to watch as the snow begins to blanket the garden, covering Vladimir's purple Beetle, the warp-gate, the trees…

Raziel: It's beautiful.

They sit there in silence for a while.

Downstairs, Vladimir is leading Kain to the Silent Hill Room. 

Kain: Is that halogen flashlight strictly necessary?

He brushes aside a huge, dangling cobweb and stares at the stone walls. 

Kain: Wasn't there wallpaper on the walls a few minutes ago? And net curtains?

Vladimir: Sssh.

He stops by a large, drab door. There is a note tacked to it, written in blood, _(Aren't they all?!! – V.A.)_ which reads: "The Wounded Bird cries in the Night. Two Beds. No Waiting."

Kain: The Wounded what now?

Vladimir: *shaking his head* You think that's bad? Last time I came down here it said: "An Old Man Despairs of his Fate. Please Recycle."

Kain: Who built your house, anyway?

Vladimir: *snidely* Apparently the same people who designed your clan castles. Now…

He leans forward and stares at the door. 

Vladimir: It's never simple, opening this door. 

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper, on which he proceeds to draw a key in black marker.

Kain: Oh, come _on_.

Vladimir pushes the paper into the lock. The door swings open with possibly the most stereotypical eerie squeal that you can imagine. 

Vladimir: *chirpily, giving Kain a push in the back* Enjoy. 

He dives back up the stairs, carrying the torch.

Kain: Wait a minute -!

Darkness. The door shuts. 

Kain's voice: *from the pitch blackness* Great. Just _great_.

Silence. Then the sound of someone rattling a stubborn lock. 

Kain's voice: Hellooo-ooo?

Vladimir comes pelting up the stairs, hoarse with laughter.

Kurt: What did you do?

Vladimir: *between cackling* I gave him the Silent Hill Room!

Lupa: *from upstairs* You what?

She thumps down in a hurry, closely followed by Raziel.

Lupa: Oooh, you're pure evil, you are.

Vladimir: *bouncing* Oh, but it's funny, isn't it? Come on, admit it, you're amused. 

Raziel: Is there something wrong with the room?

Kurt: Hah!

Lupa: *searching for a good way to explain* See, if we were to make two lists, one of things that are _wrong_ with that room, and one of things that are _right_…ah, screw it. There'd only _be_ one list. 


	12. Chapter 12

****

THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?

Chapter 12

Disclaimer: Kain, Raziel, Vorador and all things Nosgothian belong to Eidos, Crystal Dynamics, Silicon Knights. Kurt Wagner belongs to Marvel Comics. Legolas Greenleaf belongs to JRR Tolkein. Devil May Cry and Dante I believe were created for Capcom…anyway they're not mine. I love cameo appearances, don't you? ^_^ Lupa and Vladimir belong to me.

__

Yes. I'm back. I have to finish this story soon *wails* I just can't seem to stop!!!

Somewhere inside Vladimir's basement, Kain has fallen victim to the somewhat labyrinthine Silent Hill Room. He has found a blood-stained map, which he is consulting.

Kain: *reading from the map* Let's see…I can't go that way because the roof appears to have fallen in…that room is full of weird creatures hanging from the ceiling…*he grins* Or at least it _was_…

He pushes at the door nearby. A disembodied voice echoes around the room.

Voice: The door is jammed and cannot be opened. 

Kain: *long-suffering* I'd give real money if you'd just _shut up_.

He accidentally brushes the door again as he turns away.

Voice: The door is jammed and cannot be opened.

Kain: Yeah, yeah….

He pushes a second door, which opens. 

Voice: You are now leaving Silent Hill. Welcome to the Devil May Cry Outhouse.

Kain: *glancing around himself* Jeepers.

The door slams shut.

Upstairs, an argument in currently in session. Lupa and Kurt are in favour of going to Kain's rescue: Vladimir and Raziel are against it. Legolas, somewhat sensibly, has gone to his room and is keeping out of it. 

Lupa: You know what'll happen. You saw what happened to Angel when he went in there.

Vladimir: *dismissivly* He would have turned into a brooder anyway. He looked the brooding type. You can't prove I caused it. 

Kurt: My conscience won't let me leave him there, evil vampire dictator or no. Lupa?

She nods. 

Kurt: Let's go.

Raziel: *realising that Lupa is putting herself at risk* Wait…

They both turn and look at him.

Raziel: *heavily* I'll come.

Vladimir: *waving them off without remorse* Have fun, children. I'll make tea for when you get back.

Raziel: *anxiously* Do we have to come back? Ever?

In the Devil May Cry Outhouse, Kain is once again consulting his map.

Kain: Hmmm…looks like I have to take the last mirror on the right, take a short cut through the Underworld, and I should end up back in the Nexus….maybe I should ask directions…hey, excuse me…

He hails a tall man with white hair who is hurrying past. 

Man: Yeah?

Kain: Can you tell me how to get to the…*he reads carefully* Hermes mirror?

The newcomer looks at him suspiciously.

Man: Are you a demon?

Kain: Isn't that rather a personal question? I may as well point out that that's a demon sword you're carrying on your back.

Man: *angrily* I'm gonna kick your ass, demon!

Kain: *beginning to feel that this is going to be one of the worst days in his long and eventful life* Try me. 

There is a brief, loud and bloody scuffle.

Kain: *shaking out the creases in his map* Now. Where was I?

He glances down at the body on the floor. 

Kain: And what kind of battle cry is "Let's rock, baby" anyway?

He deals the fallen Dante a vicious kick to the ribs and walks on. 

Outside the door of the Silent Hill room, Kurt Wagner is busy picking the lock: Raziel taps one foot impatiently.

Lupa: *quickly* Please don't do that thing.

Raziel: *stops tapping in confusion* What thing?

Lupa: *fingers in her ears just in case* You know. That thing you do when you're bored. 

Raziel: *even more perplexed* What? Beheading Vorador?

Lupa: No. 

Raziel: Well, what then? I can't not do it if I don't know what it is…oh, God, am I even making any sense anymore…?

Kurt: *absently* Made sense to me.

Lupa: I'm not saying. If I tell you you'll do it. 

Raziel: No I won't!

Kurt: *trying another approach on the lock* She means that neck thing.

Raziel: *surprised* Oh!

He reaches up, and with a horrible rippling snap, cracks his neck to the side. Lupa is practically hopping in disgust.

Lupa: Ooooh! Like fingernails across the blackboard of the soul…

Raziel: No it isn't. I can do that one as well though…find me a chalkboard…

The lock clicks open. Kurt looks up with a triumphant grin. 

Kurt: Not bad for a beginner, _nicht wahr_?

Back in the Devil May Cry Outhouse: Kain cranes his neck upwards and bellows into the roiling sky.

Kain: I understand you're angry, Mundus…but hey…a little help, here? Demon to demon?

__

*yawns* And now I'm going to go and make some cocoa. I can do boring things like that now I'm old and married. I shall probably have to buy a pair of tartan zip-up bootee slippers and a big cardigan to spill egg on. Please R & R! ^_^


	13. Chapter 13

****

THEY SHOOT VAMPIRES, DON'T THEY?

Chapter 13 (unlucky for some!!)

Disclaimer: Kain, Raziel and all things Nosgothian belong to Eidos, Crystal Dynamics, Silicon Knights. Kurt Wagner belongs to Marvel Comics. Devil May Cry and Dante I believe were created for Capcom…anyway they're not mine. I love cameo appearances, don't you? ^_^ Tekken is a creation of Nameco. Lupa and Vladimir belong to me. 

__

Chalcedony Blue: Awww. Kain didn't hurt him that much really! *pats Dante on the head*

Raziel, Kurt and Lupa head out into the Silent Hill Room, Lupa clutching Raziel's arm as they walk along the dark wall.

Raziel: *irritably* Get off, woman. Nosgoth didn't scare you, did it?

Lupa: *whimpers and reluctantly releases her grip* This place is creepy.

Raziel: *feeling like the bad guy* Oh, go on then. Just don't blame me if I have to use that arm for hitting things with. 

Kurt: I think I found a clue. 

He shoulders up against a nearby door, and a disembodied voice quavers:

Voice: Please don't shout at me again! Honest, this door is jammed and cannot be opened!

Lupa: I think our boy came this way.

They continue, systematically testing doors, until:

Voice: You are now leaving the Silent Hill Room. Welcome to the Devil May Cry Outhouse. And good riddance.

Lupa: *suddenly much more cheerful* Oooh! Dante!!!

Raziel: *suspicious* Who's Dante?

Kurt: *teasing* This old guy Lupa fancies. 

Raziel: What?!

Lupa: What? He's not old. 

Kurt: He's got white hair.

Lupa: *defensively* It's cute. 

Kurt: *aside, to Raziel* He's _not_ cute. He has a demon fixation. Thinks everyone's a demon, trying to kill him. 

Lupa abruptly breaks away from the other two and runs towards a crumpled shape on the ground.

Lupa: *bending down* And this time he wasn't wrong! Dante! Are you okay?

Raziel and Kurt follow at a short distance.  


Raziel: *nastily* Oh good. I get to meet him. 

Dante is sitting up, slowly.

Dante: Ow…I think I fell on my sword….

Raziel: *mock-sympathetic, leaning over him* Did it hurt?

Dante scrabbles to his feet in a hurry.

Dante: Demon!

He turns, and Kurt gives him a grin and a little wave. 

Dante: *pointing an accusatory finger* Devil!

Kurt: No, that's the other blue guy from _Tekken Tag._

Lupa: It's okay. These guys are with me.

Dante lowers his guns and glowers. 

Dante: I don't care for the company you're keeping. 

Lupa: Did you see a - uh - vampire come through here? Tall and kinda ugly? Given to saying things like: "I am the mighty Kain. All shall bow before me."?

Dante: He knocked me on my ass. 

Raziel sniggers. Dante, infuriated, takes a shot which Raziel dodges. 

Raziel: *unperturbed* I've been dodging stake-guns since before you were born, silver-top. I have fought lightning demons and acid demons. You don't scare me. 

Lupa: *sensing that this encounter will end badly unless Dante and her blue friends are separated* Dante - which way did he go?

Dante: *indicates a mirror on the far wall* In there.

Lightning abruptly lights up the windows: the mirror flares with activity. Dante draws his sword, and Raziel crouches defensively, the Soul Reaver curling around his arm. 

The mirror's surface bends like warm toffee, and Kain bounds out, grinning and landing heavily on the floor. 

Lupa: Oh god. 

Kain: *slowly and smugly* Look what I got for Christmas, boys and girls.

Dante: *somewhat rashly, raising his guns* This time you're gonna fry….

Kain looks slightly hurt and leans forward into Dante, as if speaking to a small child.

Kain: This is the Mark 4 grenade launcher, designed to take acid, flame, freeze and explosive rounds and cause disaster and destruction wherever it may go. It is not a popgun. 

The launcher hangs across his body, seeming disproportionately large in the manner of Playstation guns everywhere.

Lupa: *against all probability, scolding him* Where did you get that? Take it back this minute!

Kain: Let me think. *pauses* Not a chance. 

Raziel: Where _did _you get it, Kain? *small voice* Cos_ I_ want one.

Kain: This nice lady gave it to me. She was killing zombies with it. I said, "Hey, can I borrow that? I know an ancient evil that needs killing" and she said "Sure" and gave me extra rounds to go with it, too. 

Lupa: *crossly* Jill always was a bubble-head. 

Kain activates the laser-sights on the gun. 

Kain: *to himself* Yoo-hoo…Moebius….I see you…!

Raziel: *jealous* You're going to shoot Moebius? Oh, _please_ let me have a go!

Dante: Who's Moebius?

Kain: *never missing a trick* A very evil demon. Like Mundus. Only worse. He steals candy from small children, you know. 

Raziel: *catching on* And he neglects fluffy kittens shamelessly.

A tear glints in Dante's eye: he draws himself up to his full height.

Dante: He shall die!

Raziel: That's the spirit. C'mon, Kain. 

The three of them set off towards the mirror. 

Lupa: Wait, wait, _wait!_

The vampires and the demon hunter stop and look at her. 

Lupa: You can't just go off shooting people….

Raziel: Why not? It's _Moebius_, anyway. He doesn't count as people. 

Kain: *who never cared much for Lupa anyway* _You_ don't have to come. 

Kurt: Let them go, _liebchen_. We'll go back to the Nexus. Have some _Schokolade, ja_?

Lupa looks miserable.

Lupa: But what if they get hurt? Or lost? Or cold?

She looks at Raziel, pleadingly.

Lupa: What if you needed a hug? I wouldn't be there. 

Kain rolls his eyes. Raziel has that look that all children get when their mother has just spat on a tissue and is wiping dirt off their noses. 

Raziel: Aww, Lupa…you're embarrassing me in front of the guys…

Lupa waves an imperious finger at Kain.

Lupa: Now you take good care of him. Make sure he washes the blood out of his cowl. Make sure he turns the Reaver off when he's not using it. And don't let Moebius push Dante out of his own time, Chalcedony Blue will never forgive me. 

Kain: *shuffling impatiently* Yeah yeah. Can we go now?

Lupa grabs Raziel in a quick hug, then steps back and waves sadly as he disappears through the mirror behind Dante. 

Lupa: Bye bye, Raz. See you soon. 

She takes Kurt's hand and trails back the way they came, towards the Silent Hill Room. 

Kurt: *worried* Cheer up. 

Lupa: *subdued* Is there really a guy in _Tekken Tag_ who looks like you?

Kurt: Well, that's a matter of opinion…he's blue, all right, and he has a pointed tail like mine…black hair…glowing eyes…guess it's only the wings that make him much different…

Lupa: *interested* He has wings? Dragony or feathery?

Kurt: *innocently* Oh, kind of vampire Raziel-y.

Lupa: Could we sort of…stop off there on the way home?

Kurt laughs and pushes open the door next to the one that would return them to Silent Hill.

Voice: Welcome to the King of Iron Fist Tournament. Enter the _Tekken_. 

Lupa: Bring 'em on. They're not so tough….

__

I think "Shooting Vampires" will come to a conclusion here, with all our protagonists gone on sabbatical to different worlds..…if anyone is particularly interested in either "Kain, Dante, Raziel and the Great Moebius Massacre" or "Lupa and Nightcrawler take on Heihachi Mishima" *sniggers* then I am happy to write them! *ducks as a stray grenade nearly topples the Pillars* Hoo boy…..


End file.
